đ Shameless Joy
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âThe skills of becoming happy turn out to be almost entirely different from the skills of not being sad, not being anxious, or not being angry.â
â Martin E.P. Seligman, founder of Positive Psychology
I recently returned from an intense retreat focused on shadow work: processing the negative emotions we often suppress. On the final day, an activity involved everyone giving me exaggerated, ruthless feedback, designed to crack me open emotionally.
Hereâs what they said.
Youâre fake.
Youâre a boy.
Youâre spiritually bypassing.
Youâre afraid of pain.
Youâre inauthentic.
Youâre an attention whore.
Let me clarify two things.
First, I understand the importance of feeling negative emotions, being vulnerable, and letting out a cry. Iâve been there and done that. However, I no longer carry much of those emotions. It feels like Iâve reprogrammed my brain toward joy. Joy is not my mask to hide painâitâs my authentic state, hard-earned and real.
Second, if I only received negative feedback like this, Iâd take it seriously. But I donât. The people closest to me love my joy. They know itâs the result of effort, processing, and difficult experiencesâlike my darkness retreat, where I spent days in complete darkness to confront my inner shadows.. So do my thousands of supporters who read my articles and watch my videos. You must always weigh negative feedback against the positive.
Back to the feedback activityâŚ
As I sat in front of the group receiving their feedback, I held back a laugh. It was entertaining because Iâve heard it so many times before. I receive similar comments from miserable people online every day. While sitting there, I had flashbacks to reading those online remarksâthe ones that used to hurt but no longer do.
Why do I get this feedback? Some people canât believe my joyfulness is real. And thatâs exactly why this situation has empowered me. Iâm reaching a point in my life where Iâve cultivated so much cheerfulness and genuine excitement for living that some say, âIt must be fake.â My joy makes certain people uncomfortable.
Receiving this feedback at the retreat (and online constantly) confirms Iâm on the right path. Iâm stepping into courageous joy and accepting the risks. But thereâs one final step I must takeâŚ
Shameless joy.
Since going viral online and receiving thousands of âyouâre fakeâ comments, Iâve learned that joy is a foreign emotion for some. This makes sense. Hereâs why.
Our world rewards toughness, seriousness, and stoicism. The more serious you are, the more credible, successful, and intelligent youâre perceived to be. Culture tells us leaders shouldnât be joyful because joy canât be trusted. Leaders shouldnât be goofy, playful, or full of laughter. Culture also insists joy must be earned or confined to specific momentsâholidays, victories, or milestones.
Thatâs nonsense.
Shameless joy is choosing to be enthusiastic and upbeat, even when others disapprove, even when thereâs no apparent reason.
Shameless joy is remembering a simple truth for living well: âFind the people who celebrate your joy, not your misery!â
Shameless joy is attracting those who love your joyfulness and amplify it, not those who question it.
Shameless joy isnât about suppressing sadness or anger. Itâs about rewiring your brain to default to joy without caring what others think.
When you embrace shameless joy, expect some people to dislike you. And thatâs okayâyou donât want those people in your life. You want those who value joy and see it as courage.
In a world filled with suffering, depression, and anxiety, your shameless joy may be misunderstood or even repulsive to a few. But itâs worth the risk. Hereâs why:
Joy is good for the world. People desperately need more joy, optimism, and lightheartedness. In an uncertain, divided world, your joy benefits others.
Joy is good for you. It heals your arteries, cells, and organs. Itâs the ultimate antidepressant for your mind and an anti-inflammatory for your body.
Joy is good for the naysayers. When someone is annoyed by your joy, itâs a chance for them to wake up and confront their toxic mindset toward positive emotions.
So, how do you cultivate shameless joy?
The social wiring of our species is your greatest tool. Start by finding your PPP: Positive Peer Podâpeople who want to thrive, elevate their vibe, and rewire their brains toward gratitude, compassion, and joy. Seek them out in communities, online groups, or local meetups where positivity is celebrated.
By the way, sadness and anger directly harm your body. You shouldnât suppress them, but you should reduce them as much as possible.
Your PPP will help you build the four essential mental circuits of shameless joy.
1. Protect Your Vitality
Joy lives in the body, and optimizing your biology grants you more vitality. Most people slowly poison themselves daily. Donât be like them.
Focus on the holy trinityâsleep, diet, and exerciseâin that order. Over time, your vitality will blossom, and others will feel it. Joyful vitality becomes your default biological state.
Try these tricks to make it easier:
Track Your Sleep Like a Game. Turn sleep into a high-score challenge. Use an app or notebook to track hours and consistency, aiming for 7+ hours nightly. When you hit your goal, give yourself a mental fist-bump and say, âNailed it, Vitality Champion!â This makes sleep exciting.
Swap One âEnergy Vampireâ Food. Pick one junk food (like soda) and replace it with a nutrient-packed snack (like berries). Call the old food an âenergy vampireâ and the new one a âsupercharge snack.â When you swap, say, âTake that, vampire! Iâm powering up!â Itâs a fun way to eat better.
Move Like Youâre Dancing with Joy. Choose a quick, fun movementâwalk, stretch, or danceâfor 5â10 minutes to upbeat music. Imagine youâre âdancing with joyâ and say, âIâm shaking out the blahs and charging my joy battery!â This makes exercise feel like a celebration.
2. Laugh at the Human Mind
Detach from the egoâs seriousness. See the absurdity of your worries. Render your inner critic powerless. When negative thoughts, anger, irritation, or self-criticism arise, I smile and say to myself, âThereâs my sly ego trying to hijack me again. Isnât it funny being human?â
When people act irrationally or reactively, I smile and think, âThereâs the primitive ego again. Weâre just animals doing our best, thinking weâre smarter than we are.â
When the mind shows its primitive stupidity, learn to be entertained. Thatâs how I ended up laughing while 50 people threw insults at me. It brought me joy.
The key is to intercept default perceptions and replace negative thoughts with better ones. When someone mistreats you and you feel upset, intervene with satirical thoughts. Satirize the mindâyours and othersâ. It will save you much suffering.
Try these tricks to make it easier:
Call Out âBrain Farts.â When a negative thought pops up, label it a âbrain fartâ or give it a goofy name, like âGrumpy Gremlin.â Say, âOh, Grumpy Gremlinâs back with its nonsense!â This makes the thought less serious and easier to laugh off.
Blow It Out of Proportion. Exaggerate worries to absurd levels. If your mind says, âIâm a failure,â think, âRight, Iâm so bad Iâve ruined the entire universe!â The ridiculousness will make you smile and break the worry cycle.
Turn Your Ego into a Cartoon. Picture your ego as a silly character, like a pompous squirrel or dramatic villain. When it says, âYouâre not good enough,â imagine the squirrel squeaking it. Tell it, âNice try, Squirrely, but youâre not in charge!â This makes your ego less intimidating.
3. Cultivate Excitement for Connection
Every time I meet someone new, Iâm genuinely excited to learn about their life. People sense this and open up, often becoming vulnerable.
My history of sparking meaningful, often transformational, connections with people has made me eager to ask questions and understand someoneâs story. The goal is genuine excitement to listen and learnânot to share your own story, but to celebrate theirs.
This excitement stems from these beliefs:
All humans have wisdom and joy locked inside.
All humans have fascinating, surprising life experiences.
All humans are alive, just waiting for permission to show it.
Try these tricks to make it easier:
Play the âStory Treasure Huntâ Game. Treat every conversation like a treasure hunt. Ask an open-ended question, like, âWhatâs a moment that shaped you?â and listen for the âgemsâ in their answer. When they share, think, âFound a treasure!â This turns listening into an adventure that sparks excitement.
Mirror Their Energy with a Joyful Twist. When someone shares something exciting, match their vibe with a smile or nod, then add a joyful comment like, âThatâs so cool, tell me more!â Call it your âjoy echo.â If theyâre pumped about a hobby, say, âIâm catching your vibeâthat sounds epic!â This makes connection fun.
Collect âHuman Sparkleâ Moments. Look for one unique trait or story in every interactionâa âhuman sparkle.â After a chat, note their contagious laugh or cool story and think, âAnother sparkle for my collection!â This trains you to celebrate othersâ uniqueness, fueling your excitement.
4. Forgive Their Resistance
Some will criticize your joy. Theyâre called joy-judgers. And theyâll give you labels like:
NaĂŻve
Annoying
Unrealistic
Childish
Distracting
Cringey
âToo muchâ
Remember: these labels are projections from people who havenât allowed themselves to feel joy. Their discomfort isnât your truth. Forgive them for their dysfunctional relationship with joy and wish them well. Reframe their resistance as evidence of your courage.
If everyone likes you, youâre not being shamelessly joyful.
Focus on the positive impact your joy has. Look at the smiling faces, open arms, and dance moves you ignite in others. Stop asking for feedback from joy-judgers. Stop giving them your valuable attention. Stop apologizing to them. Joy-judgers are already in a negative, ego-driven state. And your joy just might awaken them from it.
Try these tricks to make it easier:
Reframe Criticism as a âJoy Badge.â Turn resistance into a âjoy badgeââproof youâre living boldly. If youâre called âtoo much,â say, âEarned another badge for shining!â Collect these like trophies for courage. This makes criticism feel like a win.
Send a Silent âJoy Wish.â When criticized, pause and silently wish, âMay you find your own joy.â Picture them smiling, free from negativity. Think, âJoy wish sentâmission accomplished!â This compassionate act softens hurt and keeps you centered in joy.
Let me be clear. Shameless joy is not about getting validation. Itâs not about being the most liked. Itâs not about being inappropriately loud or energetic. Itâs not about avoiding seriousness, sadness, or silence.
Shameless joy is for you, for those receptive to it, and for the culture weâre transforming. Your joy is your gift, your rebellion, your medicine.
Be shameless. Be radiant. Be a source of aliveness in a culture thatâs forgotten how.
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