🎈the birth of Jacques 2.0
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This article was written while I was globe-trotting in 2022. It was nice to review this transformational experience.
There’s no doubt that I like to take an extreme approach to spiritual development.
In 2019, I did a ten-day silent retreat, during which I meditated for 10 hours everyday. In 2020, I practiced cold water immersion daily and started doing ice baths weekly. In 2021, I tried high-dose psilocybin as a method for exploring my mind, while wearing blindfolds.
In 2022, the opportunity emerged spontaneously to partake in a darkness retreat at the Hermitage Center in Guatemala. I know, the name is appropriate right? Doing a darkness retreat is like voluntary solitary confinement. You are in a room with no light. Alone. With your mind. For as long as you like. I chose 7 days. On a whim.
I had no expectations. The upcoming week, I was attending a relational skills training by Authentic Relating International. This involved many human connection games and meditations. In other words, I was immersed in a highly physical world. It was keeping me distracted. But I was not really afraid of the darkness. After my terrifying hero-dose psilocybin journey, I had confidence I could handle 7 days of it.
I was almost right.
On the 16th of January, I packed my bags, said my goodbyes on social media, and walked along the lakeshore to the Hermitage. I had proclaimed jokingly to everyone, in these words, that Jacques was going to get reborn: “You will never see this version of Jacques again. Say your farewells.” I said.
I arrived. Severin, the host and founder, greeted me. He gave me a detailed manual to read. Therein I read “The Darkness retreat is an INTENSE experience and is best approached with zero expectations […] You will have virtually nothing to do inside except some form of spiritual practice. Here are some suggested meditations…”
I signed at the bottom. “Hell yes. Intense. My favorite word.” I thought to myself.
Severin guided me to the room. He lit a candle and we entered a hobbit cave. It was a stone building with a small wooden door. Severin encouraged me to get comfortable. He lit an incense. We both sat down on the floor and I remember his words exactly:
“The darkness retreat is for facing things. […] Whatever comes up, remember you are safe. I am holding this container for you from the outside.”
He explained the pristine earthquake safety and air filtration systems of the building. He passed me over a flashlight and then said his final farewell. I would not see another human for 8 days. I set up my room, including my supplements and notepads. I was ready to go.
I turned off the light. Then nothing…
Over the next 7 days, I would sleep 12 hours daily, relive many childhood memories, ponder life’s deepest questions, and make several declarations to myself. Th retreat marks the advent of Jacques 2.0, as written on my darkness retreat journal:
“Jacques 2.0. New hair. New pronunciation”
Since exiting, I have given the darkness retreat meaning. I have created a narrative that I was reborn in that hobbit cave. I chose to make this a significant milestone in my life, just as a birthday is. Now, I have two birthdays. Jacques 2.0: January 24, 6:28AM.
My Experience In The Cave
Day 1. I got into the groove of practicing open-awareness meditation. I let my thoughts emerge and filtered them for gold. I walked around the room with a blanket over my head, meditated with my feet up, and did mini workouts each time after I went pee. During all of this, I was filtering my thoughts and documenting my insights. There were times of active brainstorming. And times of waiting patiently for inspiration.
I answered some significant questions. The answers helped me decide the behavioral upgrades of Jacques 2.0. The first question was related to what I was like before I became an entrepreneur.
The question: What did Jacques do with his time before he had started his business?
The behavior change for Jacques 2.0: Jacques will create more space for leisure in his life, especially real-life games and weekend adventures.
Jacques the kid had time for things he enjoyed. He played sports, mountain-biked, hung out with people, and collected Pokémon cards. Once I started my business, this all ended. I became a time-scarcity-driven workaholic who always prioritized productive business activities over fun. I expand on this later in this article.
The question: What can Jacques do to spend money on his well-being?
The behavior change: Jacques will invest in acquiring health technologies (such as a sauna and the best mattress on earth), creating a nourishing physical home base (such as customizing his home office), and hosting retreats for his friends.
Two related questions I contemplated were: What would Jacques do if he were a billionaire? And, what memories are the highlights of Jacques’ life?
The best memories were all related to hosting events. Retreats, camping journeys, and ski trips for my best friends. One vision that was particularly powerful (it made me laugh) was being in a rowboat with all members of my men’s group on the Sunshine Coast—where my dad owns a cabin. I hosted a men’s retreat here. We hiked, swam, and hot-tubbed.
On the rowboat, one of the paddles broke while I was rowing hard. I stood up in the middle of the boat, took the one paddle, and yelled: “Venice style, Baby!” All my brothers laughed their guts out.
Another vision was from a ski trip to Whistler. During the first night, we all piled into the king bed and giggled together. I facilitated some touch games from my arsenal and everyone felt safe.
I feel most alive when I am creating experiences for others. Not just event experiences. Adventures, journeys, or retreats over many days with the same people. So the implication here is to spend more money on creating group experiences.
When I thought about what I’d do if I was a billionaire, I envisioned acquiring a big house where I could host my friends and create experiences for them for free. I would buy an infrared-sauna. I didn’t come up with much other than this surprisingly.
This lack of wanting is consistent with what I say again and again.
The more self-work I do, the more I fall in love with life as it is
And…
The more experiences I have, the more I realize the best ones are free